I wake up a little bit disoriented. My shoulder hurts from lying down in a weird position on the plane. Someone says something about landing and I look out of the window.
I see……. Singapore. A piece of land surrounded by water, with building after building after building. This is where I grew up. But this is not where I feel the most comfortable in.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a memory of me fumbling with my phone to get a grab home after clubbing at Marquee grabs my attention. And I don’t recognise that person. I mean, she’s me. Of course. But who was I really?
And then I start to think of all the times I felt at “home” over the last year. What is home? I don’t have an answer I’m afraid. Not yet. Some people say home is where your family is. Some others say it’s where you grew up.
I don’t know….. But home to me, is nowhere, and yet everywhere.
A friend of mine told me once. “Jane, nothing is enough for you, the world isn’t enough for you”
Oddly enough, I wasn’t offended by that statement. In fact, I felt liberated to know that she thought that of me.
What is…. Home?
Home to me, in 2020, has been so many places. From the hostel in berat where I spent 2 months connecting with my Co workers and lazily exploring Albania, to the apartment in Zagreb, where I came back to, time after time, because life orchestrated it to be.
I think home, is wherever you feel most yourself. And it can even be in a hotel room, where you are doing a quarantine for 14 days. Home, is not dependent on who’s alive, and where your memories lie. Home is where you can feel the most comfortable in. Home to me, is where I can breathe, and create, and think. The whole entire world, could be home.
I don’t feel anxious about coming back to Singapore. I thought I would, because of the divorce. But I don’t.
I’ve outgrown that person.
The Jane who got married just because.
The Jane who got a degree in political science just because.
The Jane who lived a life that singaporeans did….. Just because.
I feel at home. With myself. Because now I can finally be honest with myself. To know what irks me and fuels me.
I feel at home. Wherever I am going to be. Because the Jane I see now, is real. I’m finally living my own life. I’m finally realizing what privilege means. I finally feel……… How much love I want to give to the world.
The world changes and we must change along with it. We have to grow. What is home needs to make sense. What is home needs to feel empowering. I want Home, for now, to be whereever my feet lands. And for the next few months, that’s Singapore.
I’m gonna enjoy being back in Singapore. See you when I see you x