Learning to grow my heart

A couple of months ago, I had a few exchanges with someone. It was heated. It was personal. Both sides said things meant to hurt each other.

Immediately after those conversations I felt defensive. Very defensive. I called up some friends to rant to them, called my mum to seek comfort in her. I felt so bullied by this person.

All the advice I got said to ignore and move on. Jane you’re already doing really well, take no heart in what x said and just continue in your healing journey. X doesn’t deserve your attention.

Yet night after night it bothered me. I didn’t want to care about playing games. If it bothered me I wanted to know why? Was it anger? Was it sadness? Was it insecurity?

When emotions cloud your mind, you can’t think straight. And when you’re delirious you say all kinds of nasty things. So I decided to bite my tongue and not say anything else I didn’t really mean. This is something I always want to do. I don’t want to say something my best self wouldn’t say because the person who has to answer for my wrongdoings is me.

After a month, I had nearly forgotten about the incident, and I was just having a conversation with someone. They mentioned about being bullied when they were young. And they said “Hurt people hurt”

People who aren’t hurt will not go out of their way to make sure you hurt too. People who are truly happy with themselves will not want to inflict hurt on someone else. Because they will have the compassion to understand you’re going through something hard, and that you need your own process.

So I looked to myself and asked myself what I could have done better. Plenty of things. I had to first acknowledge that I was hurting. I’ve been hurting. Of course I’ve been in pain. You don’t go through something like this and come out fine just barely a year later. I’ve never claimed I was completely fine but I also needed to be honest with myself. That I wasn’t entirely okay. The fact that I’m writing shows I’m still on the journey.

Hurt people hurt. I hurt x, and so x hurt me. And then suddenly whatever anger, bitterness or sadness lifted for a moment. Enough for me to realize that it was guilt I also had. X was right about certain things. Plus karma is a bitch so maybe this was payback for things I have done to others in the past. I definitely can recall my misgivings. If there’s one thing I’ve learnt, it’s that the universe is always in balance. You take more than you deserve now, and you’ll have to pay for it in future. You hurt someone now, and when you least expect it, karma will bite you where it hurts the worst. So really, I felt like this was payback for whatever I’ve done in my life.

I never had to justify why I’m in pain. Going through a divorce is hard. But going through what I went through was traumatising. I never needed to paint myself as a victim. I only needed to realise that I have pain that I need to heal. I didn’t need sympathy from anyone. I didn’t need to feel like I am in competition with anyone.

I only needed to focus on myself and myself alone.

Writing this down so it’s a good reminder to myself and anyone. It’s not always that you have a fault when it comes to being bullied by someone. Most times bullies just pick on you for no reason. But sometimes, if we can see it in ourselves to realize what we could have done better, let’s do that. Let’s do better for ourselves. Let’s grow our hearts big enough to know we’re not perfect, far from it. And that we need to be more humble and mindful so we don’t inflict unnecessary pain on others. I’m far from who I want to be, but I’m taking this as a lesson so I know where I can do better. I owe it to myself to live a life worth living. And I owe it to myself to be a person with a big heart to love with.

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