Are you afraid to be alone?

In essence, yes.

As the days spent abroad fly by, I’m starting to think more about the future. Its hard to remember that I was married, partly because I feel like a newborn adult, partly because we were hardly a married couple before things fell apart.

Having so much time to myself allows me to decompress and process my thoughts, without distractions and procrastination. I can candidly say I know so much more of what I value and believe in now.

D and I speak casually nowadays, as friends do. And although I remember my love for him as a husband, I only think fondly of our memories together as a friend now. I can’t explain why I feel this way already, but maybe something about the way things happened, revealed to me how truly incompatible we are. Of course, we will always have love for each other, but love exists in many forms.

To be completely honest with myself, we probably saw cracks happening within the first year of our marriage. But pride and hope led us to think that we could make it work. As long as loved each other. We placed love on such a high pedestal, that we prioritised it above practical things. We worked more on making each other superficially happy, than actually working on the marriage. We were naive, in love, and clueless as to how to commit to each other not just in speech but in action. I don’t mean in flesh, but in spirit.

So, I can’t say I’m surprised things fell apart quickly, although I will say I was completely in shock with how we both reacted to the crisis. But that’s what happens when people are hurting deep inside. We become vulnerable, sensitive, and desperately seek comfort and validation. A longing to be told we deserve to be loved. A yearning to feel whole again, on cloud nine again, hopeful again.

This fear of being abandoned and unloved manifested in such ugly ways. I saw it happen in the two of us. I see it happening to him now. It overcame us both, and I only hope we know how to deal with it moving forward, each in our own ways. Me, triapsing around the world, and him, doing what he does best.

Sometimes I recognise the feeling when it sweeps over me randomly. A gripping gloom that descends upon me, seeping into every conscious thought. What if I don’t ever find a partner? What if I don’t ever want to get married again? What if…..?

But I’m glad to say that this gloom quickly lifts because I realise how silly it sounds. To think I will never meet another potential partner is sooooo silly and insecure. And I’m not an insecure person. But my point is that because of events in our past, everyone gets insecure sometimes. It is how we respond to our insecurities that shows us our true nature. If I had given in to them, I would have allowed them to belittle myself. I would have potentially become more desperate in future, I might even compromise more of myself so I can bend towards another person’s needs more.

I’m more afraid of not respecting myself than I am of being alone.

I’m more afraid that I’ll let my insecurities manifest in me in ugly ways. That I’ll commit acts that are not of my character, that betrays my conscience.

I’m ashamed I didn’t learn this sooner. That maybe if I did, we did, we wouldn’t have ended our marriage prematurely. I’m sad we didn’t get to grow more together, that it took our separation to make me wisen up more. But I’m happy we can both wish each other well and move on with our lives.

I know that the healing process takes time, and there will be ups and downs. So I’m reminding myself to just breathe through it all. Because the gripping sense of anxiety can be so bad sometimes, it renders me completely lost and helpless.

Breathe Jane, let the moments pass and you’ll feel okay again.

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