Away to be alone

It’s the 25th of February. I should have already been in Singapore for 2 weeks by now. And yet I find myself in a catedral atop of some hill overlooking a river that would have been much more beautiful in summer or spring. The upside for coming here in winter is less tourists and more peace.

I need peace. But peace also feels like the wrong thing to want. To feel peace now would be arbitrary because what I need is to feel the chaos in my mind, to see it…. And navigate through it.

It is not difficult to understand why I need to descend into a completely different environment surrounded by unfamiliar tongues and foreign faces. Even though I’m probably less than 24 hours from Singapore, my mind is galaxies away from reality.

I need to be somewhere I’m truly alone, where I can’t find a friend who could come meet me in an hour. Where no one knows me or expects things from me. Ironically, I am choosing to stay away from everyone because I can’t be distracted. By work, by the comfort of friends, by the glances of people who are desperately trying to make me feel better. I don’t want to feel okay when I shouldn’t. I’m aware of the strong defence mechanism I have, and I’m afraid of how fast it would build walls and force my emotions into a box and bury it deep.

How can I grapple with it? How can I be okay? I say this because I feel okay but I don’t understand how I can feel this way. I didn’t just watch my ex husband walk away from our marriage, I saw and felt the pain of him crumbling within himself as he broke down in tears before me. His guilt and shame is something only I can understand because I’ve been his best friend for the last 3 years. What he’s done is not just an injustice to our marriage and me, it’s destroying what he knows of himself. I cannot help but carry his burden along with mine. I’m careful not to allow the toxicity of the situation seep into my process of healing but I also want to stay true to myself. Its a confusing situation.

When time and space throws you in a parallel universe, one that you have barely even entered, you can’t begin to understand what reality is.

In a parallel universe, D and I are sitting in our living room, with our cats, having dinner with some drinks. We’re watching Brooklyn 99, talking about his work, my day, snuggling on the couch that’s long due for some cleaning.

In my current reality, I sit in a garden with 4 statues surrounding me, while I feel the 6 degrees wind slowly freeze up my face, numbing my senses. People dressed warmly from top to toe walk around, coffees in hands, most of them walking a dog or four.

Is any one of them more right or destined than the other? I can’t believe that.

Whatever happens, happens.

And a sort of surrender to the future events that will unfold brings me peace. This roller coaster journey has been giving me so many insights my own mind. I’m getting to know myself in such a raw and deeper level.

I’m more aware now, of many things I would like to work on. Its been painfully brought to my attention how the experiences I have gone through in the past, dating back a decade ago, still hold power over my thoughts and my ability to make decisions, free of their influence. I’m choosing to learn how to break away from the shackles of the pain I felt years ago, and sometimes that means digging deep. Spending the time and going through space to encounter with all that restricts me in my growth.

To my friends who miss me back home and have been sending me love and warmth, know that I keep you in my heart always and am thinking of you. To people who have been reaching out to me and telling me I’ve been strong, I’m honoured to hear all of your stories. It’s a truly beautiful thing that when people relate to each other’s pain, they reach out to connect in ways that would uplift each other. That’s all we need to do sometimes, to listen, connect and send hugs to people who need them.