A cool breeze

I watched the show Miracles in Heaven today, a movie based on a real book.

A little girl, only 10 years old, got really sick one day. It was out of the blue and many doctors misdiagnosed her until finally, one told her parents she had an incurable condition where, because of faulty neuron signals, her body couldn’t process food. The short term solution meant feeding tubes, loads of pills and painkillers, but no one could offer a long term solution.

The little girl, middle child of 3 girls, stayed positive, always smiling, always obedient. But even the kindest could be broken by pain. After months of pain and suffering, with little cure in sight, she once said to her mother that she wished she could die. It wasn’t to cause anyone else hurt, it was just so she could end the pain for herself.

The story had very simple concepts, that no one ever actually deserves for bad things to happen to them. And that in reality, having faith is much easier to do in good times than in bad. Bev, the mother, started losing faith in God when nothing seemed to be making her little girl better. What good was faith when she was the one making all of the appointments, keeping up with the medication, and not taking no for an answer when the only doctor that might be able to help them, was booked for the next 9 months?

I related to that scene. Because I sometimes feel like I’m more competent than others, and inevitably start feeling helpless. What if I wasn’t around to keep things together? Why can’t he think for me? Why do I have to be the one with initiative all the time?

This desperate need for control probably comes from wanting to know my chances at all times. So I don’t get disappointed or so I don’t disappoint.

I want to learn that letting go sometimes, also includes letting go of people’s opinions of me. In a really scary way, I care a little too much about how people perceive me. I lie so well on command, and ever since I was young, have been able to cook up different versions of myself, characters almost. Would a shrink say it’s because I didn’t truly like myself? So I took any chance to escape and be someone else?

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