Needing to be Someone

I always start a new diary, or a new blog with an introduction of who I am. My name, what I like at the moment, who I am, who I love etc. As if an introduction written by present self to future self could ever fool me of the truth!

Fact. I left my old job because I didn’t like chasing money and it was hard doing sales – the rejection, the loss of purpose, and the unclear direction all made me feel unmotivated to stay. Also fact, those 3 years probably showed me my strengths and taught me never to judge a book by its cover. I genuinely learned to care about people, and have the patience to listen to people’s stories. I’ve been treated with tremendous kindness, and felt truly appreciated many times that I walk away knowing it was a couple of years well spent.

Fact. I am less rich and in some debt from the wedding, and the house renovation and that has been causing some stress on us, especially when we have close to zero savings and alot of money locked up in investments. Also fact. Because I invested time into China and understanding different industries (hostel, swim school, student care), I now have new perspectives of the world. Winning that free month long trip to Sri Lanka was such a blessing that changed my life. I know now I need little to be happy. Im materially less rich than I used to be – but spiritually and mentally so much more fulfilled than I was for 3 years.

Fact. I often complain about being held back in Singapore because of my marriage, and that I would rather be off in the world doing something exciting and fun, or even fulfilling a dream of being a bartender where my nights are my days, and I get truly passionate about doing something. Also fact. It is an unattainable hope for many people to one day meet a suitable lifelong partner that they can love, trust, and depend on. I am one of the luckiest people in the world to HAVE actually found Dom. He has been my inspiration, my teacher, my love, and who am i kidding? I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else except right next to him. My life could have gone done 10000 different paths, and it went the one way that led to Dom, so I can never say i would choose a different one.

Fact. I get easily influenced by expectations of society, and fall into a state of comparison. I get pressured easily into wanting things I didn’t want, and feeling disappointed when I am not as good as others. It makes me anxious to not live up to my own goals, and targets, and that makes me feel inadequate and a fraud. Also fact. I want to stop living like that. There shouldn’t be a comparison for anything because there is only one me. Life isn’t a competition and we were not born to be like anyone else. So why do we set ourselves up for failure when we try to live other people’s lives?

Fact. I am grateful for life, and thankful for God’s blessings. I love God, and I am getting to know Him better each day. I feel no shame in declaring my love for God, and in his midst, I acknowledge my weaknesses and all of me. Learning about the Bahai faith has strengthened my soul and given me a purpose. My one true purpose, the only one I have to keep reminding about, is that God created us out of love, and to live life purposefully just means to love him, know him, love others in his way. I’m only human, but I’m surrendering this life to you.

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